Last updated October 13, 2018
So, why is qwerkal interested in privacy?
Well, because we take your privacy seriously. And we’re not just saying that.
So I have to read this?
Yes, please. Because we really want you to know what we’re doing about your privacy. Also, because we paid our lawyers a lot for this, and we’d like to get our money’s worth.
Do I have to read it out loud?
No, you don’t have to read it out loud. But if you’d prefer to (say, in the bantering voices of Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter) that’s entirely up to you. You can also read it to yourself while moving your lips. We don’t judge.
All things change. Change is good. Just look in the mirror.
If we do something small, like fix a spelling mistake, we won’t do anything. If we do something important, like become really evil, we’ll put a notice on this website, telling you all about it. That way you can see what changes we made and decide if you still like us.
What if I don’t like the changes?
But what if I don’t?
If you don’t, we must part ways. Our house, our rules.
What if I do like the changes, do I have to tell you?
Nah. We love getting email, but you’ve got better things to do. (Water your plants, maybe?) If you go on using our sites after we publish the notice, it means you’re okay with the policy changes. No need to tell us, just keep on truckin’.
Keep on truckin’? What is this, Smokey and the Bandit?
Ok, what happens now?
Here below, we (“qwerkal”) will explain to you (“you”) how we (“qwerkal”) treat the personal information (“Personal Information”) we collect from visitors (“Visitors”).
What is “Personal Information”? Who is a “Visitor”? What’s with the quotation marks? And why do you suddenly sound like a lawyer?
Glad you asked. A “Visitor” is someone who visits our site. Like you. “Personal Information” is information about you that is personally identifiable, such as your name, address, email address, or phone number, and information that is not otherwise publicly available.
I smell sulfur. Do you smell sulfur?
Don’t worry about it.
How we use and protect what we collect
We know, right?
What do you do with the information you collect?
In general, we use the personal information we collect for four things:
To improve our service,
to respond to inquiries,
to send newsletters to people who want them (nudge, nudge), and
to customize our user’s experience of our sites.
What specifically don’t you do with the Personal Information you collect?
Excellent question. We don’t rent, sell, or share the personal information we collect with other people or non-affiliated companies, except:
If disclosure is reasonably necessary to investigate, or prevent, illegal action,
If disclosure is necessary to respond to subpoenas, court orders, to establish or exercise our legal rights or defend against legal claims, or to enforce the qwerkal Terms of Service (if any),
If you specifically request we share the Personal Information you have provided, or
If qwerkal merges or is acquired by another company.
When reasonable, we will make reasonable efforts to notify of such disclosure before it happens.
Wow, did that just get super lawyery at the end?
Yeah, that happens sometimes.
My parents always wanted me to be a lawyer.
If you’re still reading this you would probably have made a good one, frankly.
Thanks. I think.
It’s never too late.
Now that you’ve got all this information, how do you protect it?
We protect your information by requiring the employees who have access to the personal information to treat it as confidential. They will never share it with anyone or use it for a purpose we have not authorized.
One more thing.
What if I’m not in the United States?
It’s a big world. Enjoy it.
No, I mean does it make a difference?
What we collect and when we collect it.
So, what information do you collect about me? We know everything.
Basically we know and store two types of things: First, there’s the stuff you send us using the contact forms on our sites (your name, your email address, and whatever else you choose). Then there are the things your computer and browser tell us (your IP address, software and hardware attributes, the pages you request, and information from our cookie).
A cookie? I’d love a cookie.
Hey, are you okay?
Yes, don’t worry. This is just how lawyers talk.
Anything else I should know about?
Your rights regarding your personal information
So, what are my rights here?
You have the right to see the personal information you’ve provided to us, and to request we delete it from our database within a reasonable time.
I live in California. Does that make me special?
Why yes, of course. According to California law, residents may request a list of what Personal Information, if any, we have disclosed to third parties for direct marketing purposes in the preceding calendar year, and the names and addresses of those third parties. If you do, we will provide you with that list. Requests may be made only once a year.
Is qwerkal safe for kids?
Generally, yes. But in case you were asking because of the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), we want you to know that our websites are not intended for children under the age of 13, and we do not collect, use or disclose personal information from children.
I was indeed asking because of that.
We thought so. Anything else?
Why? What’s wrong with it?
Don’t be so defensive.
What do you mean?
Come on, I don’t mean anything.
Ok, so why would you bring that up?
Just, you know, in case I see something that could be improved, or something. Or if I have more questions.